Lucy in the Sky Read online

  I remember when I was a little girl, Dad would always help Cam and me leave a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa before we went to bed on Christmas Eve. I guess I was about 6 years old the year that Cam got out of bed to check and see if the cookies and milk were gone and discovered Dad eating them. He cried and cried—not because there wasn’t a Santa Claus, but because there weren’t any more cookies left and now Santa wouldn’t come.

  I didn’t cry, and Cam got upset with me for not caring. Dad just winked at me and smiled as he rocked Cam back and forth. Dad knew I knew about Santa being make-believe.

  I don’t know how I knew.

  I just always did, I guess.

  I’ve always thought that the invisible and the imaginary are the same thing.

  I guess that’s why I like Christmas Eve so much. It’s the one night where I feel like things that aren’t seen have a possibility of existing: angels, elves, flying reindeer. It all seems possible somehow.

  I’ve been thinking about Lauren a lot lately. She still texts me every once in a while. I mean, it’s not like I don’t see her. Ross calls me the Ice Queen because I haven’t actually acknowledged her since that night last month.

  But tonight, staring at the lights and the star at the top of the tree, I realize that I’ve been thinking more and more about the good parts of Lauren and the weird space that’s been left in my life for the past 7 weeks without having her in it.

  Who knows? Maybe the ice will melt one day. It hasn’t yet, but tonight is a night about magic that makes everything feel …

  Possible.

  December 25

  OH MY GOD!

  MY PARENTS GOT ME A CAR!

  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

  I can’t even BELIEVE IT!

  It’s not a new car or anything. It’s a Certified Pre-Owned Jetta. It’s two years old, but it was at a used car dealership and it still has that NEW CAR SMELL. Dad said I’d done such a good job this fall in school and had been so responsible lately that he and Mom felt like I was ready.

  THIS IS SO AMAZING!

  I’m going to pick up Ross and then we’re going to go get hot chocolate and see a movie.

  Later …

  I was just sitting in my car in the driveway listening to music after I dropped Ross off. I still can’t believe it. I just want to be in that car ALL THE TIME!

  Mom just walked through the living room in the shoes I bought her and her bathrobe. She stuck out her foot like a movie star and laughed and smiled at me.

  I think she was really surprised that I was paying attention to what she wanted.

  Cam and I are going to go to yoga every day this week since we’re off from school. He loved his yoga mat.

  January 1

  I can’t believe it’s a new year already. Tomorrow we go back to school, and for the first time EVER I’ll get to drive my NEW CAR into the parking lot.

  Dad surprised Mom with a night of dinner and dancing in a supper club at the top of a skyscraper downtown. Cam got permission to go to Astrid’s and Ross invited me over to dinner because his mom was having a New Year’s Eve party.

  When I got there, the place was already packed and Ross dragged me upstairs to his room away from all of the adults. He was totally annoyed because he wanted Ian to come over but his mom wouldn’t allow it. She said that Ian is a bad influence on Ross. He said he yelled at her and said that Ian wasn’t an influence, that he was a BOYFRIEND. His mom thinks that Ross is just going through a phase, apparently. Ross thinks his mom is under the impression that I want to date him, so she’s always saying that he should invite me over.

  I was giggling SO HARD when he told me that, partly because early on that was true, and partly because it’s SO RIDICULOUS. I guess after being around Ross so much, I wouldn’t want to imagine him any other way.

  I asked Ross where Ian had been, and a stormcloud passed across his face. He went completely silent, and finally I just tossed myself back onto his bed and yelled REALLY? You’re just not going to TELL ME?

  He looked at me long and hard, then said to wait a second, he needed “supplies.” Then he ran out of the room. In a minute he came back, only he was wearing a snowboarding jacket. He unzipped the coat and pulled a bottle of champagne out of the sleeve. He popped the cork and said, Happy Frickin’ New Year, then took a big gulp that made the bottle foam up and spill all over him. We laughed and he grabbed a towel out of his bathroom and mopped it up.

  When he handed the bottle to me, I took it, but I immediately heard an alarm go off in my brain: YOU’RE DRIVING YOU’RE DRIVING YOU’RE DRIVING.

  I shook my head and reminded him that I had a car now. When I handed the bottle back to Ross, he rolled his eyes and handed it back. He said, Gimme a break. You’re not going to get tanked, you’re just going to have a couple sips and then I’m going to tell you about Ian.

  I decided he was right.

  I took the bottle.

  I took a drink.

  The alarm stopped.

  And then Ross told me about Ian. Apparently they broke up about the same time I found out that Ian wasn’t teaching anymore. Ross said that Ian had dropped out of school and stopped teaching yoga.

  Then Ross got really quiet, only I could tell that he had more to say. He went over to his dresser and opened the top drawer, pulling out a little brown box. He slid off the top that was fitted so tightly it looked like a solid piece. He pulled out his pipe, packed a bowl, took a deep toke, then handed the pipe to me and waited until I put my lips to it. He sparked the lighter and I pulled the smoke through the purple glass into my mouth, then breathed it deeply into my lungs.

  It didn’t take very long for me to feel the floating sensation in my head, and when I opened my eyes, Ross was staring at me, smiling so sweetly. He said, You missed it, didn’t you. I giggled and nodded. I said, Don’t think this is going to become a habit or anything.

  Ross took another couple of hits until the bowl was cashed and then he tapped out the ashes in the trash can and put the pipe back in its secret box in the dresser. Then he turned around and told me that the day he and Lauren missed school together was the last time he’d seen Ian. They’d been up all night long the night before doing blow at Blake’s house. Ross said Ian had been sort of a jerk lately, making comments about how Ross owed him for all of the free drugs he was getting.

  Ross said, I looked around and realized that I had school in the morning and that I wasn’t going to make it. And then I realized I wasn’t having fun.

  He told Ian that he didn’t want to do any more coke that night, that he needed to get home. Ian laughed at him and said that was fine, he could just leave.

  Ross was quiet for a minute after he told me all this. Then he looked at me and asked me a question:

  How could a drug be more important to him than I am?

  The hurt in Ross’s eyes made me catch my breath and I felt myself tear up. I gave him a long, tight hug. He buried his face in my shoulder and cried. We sat like that for a long time.

  He said that Ian had texted him a few times, but Ross had told Ian that if he was doing cocaine, Ross didn’t want to be around him.

  I told Ross he was smart. I told him how strong he was, and what a good friend he was being to Ian to stand up to him like that. That he’d done the right thing.

  Then he looked at me and tears ran down his face, and he said, Then why does it feel so wrong?

  I didn’t have an answer.

  January 2

  I just passed Lauren in the hallway on my way to first period. I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t seen her in a few weeks, but that’s not really that long. I don’t know what happened, but she looks TERRIBLE. Her skin is almost gray, and her hair is a mess, but the most shocking thing is that she looks like she lost 10 pounds over the holidays, and BELIEVE ME when I say that Lauren did NOT have 10 pounds to lose. She looks like a skeleton.

  Later …

  I didn’t mean to talk to her.
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br />   I was standing at my locker and I felt her come up next to me, in a hurry. She was in a hurry because Cassie and Bethany were following her, laughing. They’ve been after Cam since they were in 7th grade and he’s never given them the time of day. When Lauren showed up this year and fell in with our group, they were silently pissed. Today they broke their silence.

  I heard Cassie cough the words COKE WHORE as she passed, and I felt Lauren whirl around. She told them to fuck off and Bethany stopped and said, OR WHAT? I was trapped in the middle of this, trying to look busy with my gym bag. Bethany was in full-on bitch mode. She called Lauren a druggie and when Lauren said it wasn’t true, Bethany just laughed. Cassie said really loudly, We all KNOW it’s true. I mean, your own best friend won’t even LOOK at you anymore.

  I don’t know what it was, but something about that comment made me SO PISSED OFF. In a split second I realized that I was WAY more angry at Cassie Wasserman than I could ever be at Lauren. I slammed my locker so hard that I felt Lauren jump beside me. I turned around very slowly and looked at Cassie like I might decide to take a bite out of her head. Very softly and slowly I said, While we’d love to stay for more of your enlightening banter on the nature of our friendship, Lauren and I are headed to lunch. I looked at Lauren. Her eyes darted to mine as if she were afraid to look at me, like she was staring up at the sun after being locked in a dark closet for a week.

  I smiled at her and jangled the keys to my car: I’m driving.

  I saw tears fill her eyes, but before they could fall, I grabbed her arm and sped her outside to my car in the parking lot.

  We hit the McDonald’s drive-thru for fries and Diet Cokes. Then I opened the sunroof because it was a beautiful day, turned the heater on full blast because it was a little crisp, and drove toward the highway along the beach. I pulled off onto the side of the road where Ross had parked the first time that he took me surfing, and put the car in park.

  Then we talked.

  She told me how sorry she was about the thing with Blake. She told me he’d tried to pressure her and Ross into selling drugs for him. He’d offered them free coke, but they’d refused. Ian took Blake up on the offer, and the two of them had been selling drugs to Ian’s college friends like crazy.

  I asked her why she looked so awful.

  She said she’d gone to New York to get away from Blake and Ian over Christmas break but that a guy she’d been dating off and on before she came out here invited her to a party on Christmas night, and he’d had an 8 ball of cocaine. She said they were awake for 2 days, and then he just kept getting more.

  We sat there in silence for a while, staring at the waves. Then I reached over and took her hand. She started crying. After she stopped, she wiped her face with her free hand and squeezed my fingers tight. She thanked me for standing up for her today, that she almost didn’t come back to school because she couldn’t take it anymore. She said she’d thought about just getting her GED and going back to New York to start college.

  I smiled at her and said, You CAN’T go to college yet. We haven’t gone to winter formal and PROM!

  She smiled at me cautiously. I said, But first things first: You look like SHIT.

  Her eyes went wide, then we both busted out laughing. We laughed until the tears ran down our cheeks and we couldn’t breathe and we were late getting to school from lunch, but I don’t care.

  I have my best friend back.

  January 3

  Astrid and Cam almost fell down when they saw Lauren and me walking toward them for lunch today. Ross broke into a big smile and said, The band’s getting back together, dude. Cam was really quiet during lunch, and tonight after dinner he came to my room and said he was worried about me. He said he was afraid I would start. I threw a pillow at him.

  He was all, WHAT? I’m just concerned.

  I told him he had nothing to be concerned about. I mean I have MORE than proven that I can stay off drugs. I’d only had that tiny hit of pot with Ross on New Year’s Eve. That’s IT. Well, and a couple sips of champagne that night.

  Cam reminded me about the mug of wine at Thanksgiving, and I told him that he needed to back off because I saw him swigging out of Mom’s glass that day in the kitchen before he refilled it.

  GOD. He can be SUCH a hypocrite.

  I told him I could take care of myself.

  He got this snotty tone and said he hoped so because he wasn’t going to ever cover for me with Mom and Dad again. I told him he wouldn’t have to. He said, I better not, then he stalked out.

  GAAAAAWD! Why does he ALWAYS have to have the last word?

  January 6

  Lauren asked if she could come spend the night tonight. I texted Mom and she said it was fine. It’s only Friday, but Lauren is already looking more normal. For one thing, I’ve been making her EAT! I told Ross he should come over too, and we’ll order pizza and watch movies.

  January 8

  This weekend was just like old times, only better! I forgot how much Lauren made me laugh. We had such a good time on Friday night with Ross. We were all up until like 3 a.m. watching TV and eating leftover Christmas fudge and cookies and stuff. Cam even warmed up and hung out with us. He and Astrid had gone out for dinner, and when they came back, we were all having so much fun that Astrid called her mom and got permission to stay over with me and Lauren.

  Ross got a call from Ian. We told him to ignore it, but I could tell that it bothered him. He said he wouldn’t call back, but he left a little bit after that, and I’m sure he called him.

  ANYWAY: We all made plans to go to the big winter formal which is the last Saturday in January.

  January 13

  Friday the 13th. The scariest thing about the month of January is that sometimes I feel like it will

  NEVER

  END.

  GOD. It’s INTERMINABLE.

  (That’s the word I got WRONG on the vocab quiz today in English. SHEESH.)

  January 18

  Lauren and I are going to look for outfits for winter formal after our choir sings at the chamber of commerce luncheon on Saturday at City Hall. I can’t wait. Ross said he’s going to come hear us sing. Who knows? Maybe we’ll drag him along with us to shop. He’s been no help at all when we’ve taken him before. He’s not one of those PROJECT RUNWAY gays. He always wants us to just buy whatever is the lowest cut, and the shortest.

  He’s such a perv.

  January 21

  Okay okay okay okay. I KNOW I said I was DONE with drugs, but Ross had his pipe with him today, and we smoked a little. Just a COUPLE HITS EACH.

  Lauren and I found the CUTEST outfits for winter formal today. There were racks and racks and racks of stuff at Nordstrom marked down like 70 percent off. I guess stuff doesn’t sell very well after Christmas. Ross met us afterward at Lauren’s place. Her dad was watching a basketball game on TV, so we all went back to Lauren’s room and we tried on our stuff for Ross. I got the cutest little black dress with sequins at the neck, and Lauren got this silver dress that I LOVE.

  After we tried on our dresses, Lauren said she wished her dad wasn’t home so she could make us cosmos to celebrate our good bargains, and Ross pulled out his pipe and wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

  Both he and Lauren just turned to look at me like I was the one who had to give the okay.

  I just looked at them both and said, LOOK, you losers. We can smoke pot, but we are NOT doing coke again. EVER. Or Ecstasy or anything else. And on the night of the actual dance we ARE NOT DRINKING. Because I have to drive, and if I can’t drink, you two aren’t drinking either. Got it?

  They both nodded and then I said, JEEZ. When did I become JIMINY CRICKET?

  When I said that, Lauren busted out laughing, and pretty soon we were all giggling like lunatics. Lauren put on some music and we just hung out in her room for a couple hours, smoking pot, and talking and laughing. I forgot how much fun we have when we’re stoned.

  Next week is going to be SO MUCH FUN.

  I’m so gla
d we’re not taking dates and stuff. Mark keeps asking me but yesterday I told him that I think we’re just better as friends.

  God, I hope he GETS THAT this time. I mean … even if we dated, would he KISS me? NO. Would he want to make out? NO. So … we’d be friends anyway, right? Because what fun is it to go out with a guy who won’t kiss you??

  January 26

  I tried on my new dress for winter formal today and went to show Mom, and DAD walked into the living room and had a minor meltdown. He went OFF on how it was too short, and it looked like I was cheap and all of this complete CRAP.

  Mom was trying to stick up for me and saying that she thought I looked really mature and the dress fit really well. She said that I wasn’t a little girl anymore, and I was going with a group of friends, and Cam would be there, and Dad just got all red in the face and was like MARGARET, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE HER SIDE?? And then he stomped into his study and told me that I would wear that dress to winter formal over “his dead body.”

  WHO SAYS THAT?

  Is this like a MOVIE FROM THE ’80S???

  I just started BAWLING and ran into my room.

  He came in later, all hanging his head and telling me that he was sorry. He said sometimes he forgets that I’m not a little kid anymore, because when he looks at me he still sees that little girl. I was really quiet as I listened, and then I told him that he really hurt my feelings because I wasn’t trying to be CHEAP. I was trying to look pretty.

  He just looked at me and said, To who?

  January 27

  Today is Friday and the dance is tomorrow, but I can’t get that question my dad asked me out of my head: To who?

  Who do I want to look desirable to? I mean, it would be one thing if I had a date, or even a crush on somebody. The thing that I keep thinking about over and over again is that I just want to look like Lauren. I mean, I never will because her legs go all the way up to her chin and she’s like a head taller than me and has beautiful (NATURALLY) blond hair. But I want to feel like I’m as stylish as she is.