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  "Stop," Paddy cried, "or yer'll be the rale death o' me." It was nowPaddy's turn to fall, and he rolled about on the ground convulsed withlaughter, for he now saw what a mistake Murphy's boots had led to. Whenhe had recovered himself enough to be able to speak, he told Tim howall had happened, and advised him to take Katty home again directly,which he did, and Katty became even a greater favourite with the wholefamily than ever she had been.

  XXXIV.

  _The Three Men of Gotham on Nottingham Bridge._

  You, of course, know that the good people of Gotham have beenparticularly noted for their wisdom; but if, by chance, this should notform one of the items of your varied knowledge, the stories I am aboutto relate will leave no doubt on your minds as to the justice of thereport.

  Whether it may be something in the air that has made these peopleso peculiarly gifted I cannot tell, for I must confess that I havenever been at Gotham, and know absolutely nothing of the geologicalproperties of the soil, or indeed of the neighbourhood in any way,excepting that Nottingham is the principal city of that part of thecountry.

  You probably know, as well as I can tell you, what Nottingham is notedfor, so I will say nothing about it, particularly as what I might andcould say would in no way help us in clearing up the mystery, namely,why the inhabitants of one particular place should be mentally giftedbeyond others. If, indeed, we were considering Nottingham itself Imight attempt some sort of an explanation, by telling you that a greatpart of the business of the town being shoemaking would perhaps accountfor a contemplative turn of its citizens, for shoemakers are supposedto be men of deep thought. Why this should be so is another mysteryrequiring to be cleared up, which I will leave to others to do, andonly just remark, that there can be no doubt several cases of men ofthought and talent among that class might be cited. I will only mentionthe German shoemaker, of whom perhaps you have heard, who wrote up overhis shop,--

  "Hans Saxs shoe Maker and poet too."

  That's not bad, particularly for a German.

  But to return to Gotham, with which a consideration of Nottingham hasnothing to do. We all know particular individuals who are shiningstars, and even families of stars we know, but still that doesnot tell us how and why there should be a whole community of suchextraordinary lights. We have confessed our inability to explain thisin the case of Gotham, and therefore let us take a liberal view of thematter, and suppose that from generation to generation the childreninherited from their parents such a happy development of brain, thatit was utterly impossible they could be anything but wise. It mightbe worth a phrenologist's while to go down there. But mind, I am onlyspeaking of what the people of Gotham were, for, as I said, I know,personally, nothing of the place, and at the present day all may bematerially altered.

  I cannot tell you exactly when it happened, but on a certain day, in acertain year, two men of Gotham met on Nottingham bridge. "Well met,Neighbour," said the one man, "whither are you going?" "I have justcome from the market at Nottingham, and am going home to fetch my wifeand child, whom I forgot," was the answer; "and pray where are yougoing, Neighbour?"

  "I'm going to the market at Nottingham to buy sheep," said the firstman.

  "And which way do you intend to bring the sheep home?" asked the manwho had come from Nottingham.

  "Over this bridge," answered he who was going thither.

  "But you cannot," said the one.

  "But I must," said the other.

  "But you shall not, Neighbour," said the man who was on his way home tofetch his wife and child.

  "And why shall I not, Neighbour?" asked he who was going to Nottinghamto buy sheep.

  "You see," said the one, "that there is not room for my wife and childto pass, so keep them back, Man."

  "I care not," said the other, "my sheep shall pass, so let your wifeand child stand back."

  "They shall not pass."

  "But they shall pass."

  "Woo! Woo! back there," shouted the one man, spreading out his arms andlegs, as is done to keep sheep back.

  "Woo! Woo! get on there," shouted the other, flourishing his stick,and striking the ground first on one side and then on the other.

  "Take care, or you will drive them over my wife. But if she is hurt youshall pay the doctor's bill."

  "I will not pay the doctor's bill. But you take care, for if you makemy sheep jump over the side of the bridge and they are drowned youshall pay for them."

  "I will not pay for them."

  "But you must pay for them."

  Whilst this dispute was going on another man of Gotham had ridden up,with a sack of meal behind him on his donkey, and hearing the quarrelbetween his neighbours about the one's wife, whom he had just seen safeat home, and about the other's sheep, when there were no sheep there,he got off his donkey and called to the two disputants to lift the sackof meal upon his shoulders. When they had done so, first untying themouth of the sack, he emptied the meal over the side of the bridge intothe river. Then, holding up the sack with the mouth down, before hisastonished neighbours, he said,--

  "Will you tell me how much meal there is in this sack?"

  _The Three Wise Gothamites._]

  "Why, none," both said, "since you have just emptied it out."

  "Well," he answered, "just so much wit is in your two heads when youdispute about wife and sheep, and neither wife nor sheep are here."

  Now which was the wisest of the three?

  [Decoration]

  XXXV.

  _The Man of Gotham and his Cheeses._

  One hot summer's day a man of Gotham was on his way to Nottinghammarket to sell his cheeses, which he carried in a bag slung acrosshis shoulder. He found the heat oppressive, and his load sotroublesome, that he could not help bewailing his lot in the followingwords--"Unfortunate man that I am, why have I not a cart like neighbourDobbins, or even a barrow like old Mathews? My good woman will make somany cheeses that I have no rest any market day. But now I have it; sheis a shrewd woman, and I will propose to her to make the cheeses sothat they can walk to market, and then I need only walk by the side ofthem, to see that they do not loiter or play by the way. I wonder shenever thought of that."

  This bright idea consoled him and made him forget even his load for atime, but it weighed so heavily upon him that he was soon recalled tohis misfortunes, and as he trudged along he constantly changed the bagfrom one shoulder to the other. Now with these frequent changes themouth of the bag had got loose, and just as he reached the top of thehill, looking down upon the bridge and Nottingham in the distance, oneof the cheeses fell out and rolled down the hill.

  He watched it for a time, and as it kept so well to the road, neitherturning to one side nor the other, but jumping over the stones that layin its way, he exclaimed in delight, "Well done, well done, keep onlike that, my good friend, and you'll soon be at your journey's end!It was foolish of my old woman not to tell me that they could run bythemselves, but now that I have found it out, I'm not going to carrythe lazy things a step farther."

  Having come to this wise resolution he bundled the cheeses out of thebag, and, as they rolled down the hill, cried after them, "There,follow your companion; but you need not run so fast, for I shallrest myself a bit and then walk leisurely after you. Now, mind youall meet me in the market-place." He watched them with the greatestsatisfaction as they ran down the hill and over the bridge, when, theroad turning suddenly, they were lost to his sight; and then, too, theyall left the road, some running into one bush and some into another,whilst the rest got no further than the ditch by the roadside.

  _The Gothamite and his Cheeses._]

  After a short rest the worthy man went on his way to Nottingham,without troubling his mind about the cheeses, as he fully expected tofind them waiting for him in the market-place; but when he got therehe was somewhat astonished to find that they had not yet arrived. "Nodoubt," he said to himself, "as soon as they were out of my sight theygot to some of their games in some field or another. That is alwaysthe way, bu
t they'll be here soon." When, however, the market timewas nearly over, and the cheeses had not appeared, he inquired of themarket people whether they had seen them. No one had seen his cheeses,and when he was asked who brought them he said,--

  "No one brought them. Sure they were quite able to come by themselves,as you would say if you had seen them running along the road; but nowI think of it, they were going at such a rate that they are no doubthalf way on their road to York by now." So he hired a horse and rodeoff towards York to try and overtake them, but strange to say he didnot overtake them, nor indeed did he ever see them again, nor hear anytidings of them.

  [Decoration]

  XXXVI.

  _Twelve Men of Gotham go out Fishing together._

  Twelve men of Gotham settled to go out fishing together; and, as theanticipation of pleasure is nearly worth the pleasure itself, theyfixed the time a fortnight off, and each day during the interval madesome preparation for the great day. The appointed day came in duetime, and it was cold and drizzling; but the twelve met, for what truesportsman would allow weather to stop him? They were all in the highestspirits, and their conversation was of the wittiest and most brilliantdescription, as you will judge it must have been when you know more ofthe men. I do not attempt to give it you here, being well aware that Icould not possibly do it justice.

  When they got to the river-side, after a lengthy consultation, theysettled that the fish would feel shy of coming to them, seeing so manytogether; and it was therefore agreed they should separate, all to meetagain at the same place in five hours' time. After they had fairlydivided their provisions into twelve parts, each took his share, andwent whither his fancy guided him.

  Exact to the time, the twelve again assembled together, and adjournedto a tavern, where it had been arranged the day should be finished inconviviality. They were cold and wet to the skin, but all declared theyhad had a delightful day, each reserving his adventures till they werecomfortably seated together.

  Most extraordinary adventures they had all had; for one related how,immediately that he had thrown his line, well baited with a worm, hehooked the most wonderful fish he had ever seen; for though it onlyappeared on the top of the water for a moment at a time, he couldplainly discover that it was hairy, and had a long tail. He had giventhe creature line enough to play, but, when he had followed it morethan a mile, the line unfortunately broke--for the beast was strong,being quite as large as a cat.

  "That is extraordinary," another then cried, "for I, too, followed ahairy fish, such as I never saw before. You must know, as I went alonglooking for a likely spot, I frightened the creature from the bank, andit swam across the river. As quick as possible, I threw my worm justbefore its nose, but it would not bite, so, like a shot, I was in thewater, and waded across after it. It took refuge in a hole, and whenI put in my hand to catch it, it bit me so that I have not been ableto use that hand all day, and no doubt that is the reason I have nothooked a single fish. The beast appeared, for all the world, like arat."

  A third then told his companions how he had wandered along the side ofa river till he came to a mill, where, by the bubbles under the wheel,he could see that the water was swarming with fish. He threw in hisbait, and almost immediately had a bite. He felt convinced that he musthave hooked several large fish at the same time, for no single onecould have pulled the line with such force. The line was strong, sothat it did not break, and at length the rod itself was fairly draggedout of his hands, and for a moment disappeared under the water. Thefish, however, must have broken away, for the rod appeared againentangled in the wheel, and was whirled round till it was dashed topieces. Finishing the account of his startling adventure, he said, "Iam sure, my Friends, that at that spot there will be plenty of sportfor the whole twelve of us together; and had it not been for thatunlucky accident of losing my rod, I should have brought fish enoughfor all our suppers."

  Various were the adventures narrated, several of them having narrowlyescaped drowning, as they said--only that the water was not deepenough. Amongst the whole twelve only one fish was produced--a smallone, which its fortunate captor had found floating, dead, upon thewater.

  When the last of the twelve had finished his account, he said, "I amsure, my good Friends and Neighbours, that no twelve men ever had suchan extraordinary day's fishing as we have had; and, had we not met withthese unfortunate accidents, we should have brought home such strangefish, and in such quantities, that the account of our day's sportwould have been inserted in all the newspapers. But, my dear Brethren,we have been in many great dangers, and I shudder when I think of it,that perhaps one of us has been drowned. Let us count, and see whetherthe whole twelve of us are safely here."

  "Yes, let us count!" all exclaimed; "for perhaps one of our dearbrothers is drowned, and what will his unfortunate widow do?"

  Each of the twelve counted in turn, and each only counted eleven,omitting himself; and then all cried out, "It is but too true thatone of our dear brothers is lost! Who shall carry the sad news to hiswidow? But first let us go back to the river, and look for the body."

  These twelve wise men went down to the river, and searched every placewhere, during the day, either of them had been, but no body was found,which they bitterly bewailed, as it was deprived of Christian burial.They then drew lots which of them should inform the unfortunate widowof her dreadful loss; and when he on whom the lot fell inquired of theothers to whose widow he should go, and no one could tell him, theybewailed still more bitterly that they could not discover which oftheir dear brothers was lost.

  _The Lost Fisherman found._]

  It happened that at this time a gentleman from the Court was passing,and seeing them in such distress, asked the cause.

  They said, "This morning twelve of us came down to the river to fish,and one is missing, whom we cannot find."

  Then the Gentleman said, "What will you give me if I find your missingcompanion?" To which they answered, that they would gladly give all themoney they had if he could restore their lost brother to them.

  He then made them stand in a row, and riding along the back of themgave each such a smart cut with his whip that they cried aloud withpain, and as they did so he numbered them; but when he came to thetwelfth he thrashed him till he and all his companions cried out formercy for him; and the Gentleman said, "This is the twelfth of you!"whereupon they thanked him for restoring their lost brother to them.

  XXXVII.

  _The Cobbler's Wager._

  One fine summer's day a strong, active young man was sauntering alongthe Exeter road, with apparently no immediate object in view but topass away the time, for he certainly seemed in no hurry to reach theplace of his destination--if, indeed, such a thing was in his thoughts,as it undoubtedly should have been, for he was carrying home a pair ofshoes he had taken the greater part of the week to mend.

  You will guess by this that he was a cobbler by trade, and from the wayhe was going on we may, perhaps, form an idea how it is that cobblersare proverbially so little to be depended upon in the performance of apromise--at least, when that promise refers to their work.

  The young man we are talking of was not fond of work, but, being amerry, jovial fellow, was much liked in the neighbourhood where helived, more particularly as he was always ready to give a helping handto any one who required the assistance of a strong arm, and neverhesitated to neglect his own business to help others.

  Perhaps, too, that sort of occupation was more profitable than mendingboots and shoes, for he always seemed to have money to spare when hemet any companions of his own stamp at the different road-side inns.He was now coming near to such a house, and was trying to find a goodexcuse to turn in--for the landlord, according to his words, was a manof the right sort--when a butcher, in his cart, carrying a calf he hadjust bought, whom he knew well, overtook him.

  No excuse was, of course, required now to drop in at Tom Turner's, thelandlord just mentioned, if even he had not been standing at his door,where, however, he was, ready to welco
me them.

  The three were soon merry enough over a jug of foaming ale; and thebutcher, in particular, was in high spirits, for he had not only madea good bargain, but one he prided himself upon. The Landlord said tohim, "I'm sure you've been playing your pranks off on some one, or thatyou've overreached some poor wretch in a bargain, makes you in suchhigh glee this morning."

  "Well, I've not done so badly, I think," the Butcher answered, rubbinghis hands. "A little mother's wit in one's head is worth having, andwhere's the good if one doesn't use it? You must know I particularlywanted a calf this morning--indeed, I couldn't do without it, whateverprice I had to give; and as I happened to hear yesterday that oldfarmer Hagan had some very fine ones, I went to him. Now I didn't tellhim that I wanted a calf--leave me alone for that--but I said I wantedsome sheep, which I knew he just happened not to have. He told me thathe hadn't any, and, as I expected, then said he had some first-ratecalves which he wished me to see.

  "'I am very sorry to hear it, Neighbour,' I said; 'for calves arefalling down to nothing in value since the celebrated Doctor Tweedlecame into these parts. You know that he has declared veal to be themost unwholesome meat there is, and that eating it is little short ofeating poison; so that no one will touch it. I have two of the mostbeautiful calves you ever saw, which I am but too happy to be able toget rid of at thirty shillings each--just half what I gave for them. Afriend of mine has occasion for three, which he is going to send off toa distance; so I am glad to be able to do you a good turn, if you arewilling to part with one of yours on the same terms; but it must be agood 'un.'